So the other day I read a really great book, The Host by Stephanie Meyer (yes, that Stephanie Meyer, the author of Twilight et al). It's science fiction, but also a really human story and just very compelling to read. I recommend it. I was so into the book that at one point I had given Abe a snack and I knew he was doing something with it that I wouldn't ordinarily let him do but I just didn't care because I had to keep reading. And what was little Abe doing? Filling my bag with cheese, of course. And taking it out, and putting it back, and so on. He was really happy doing this! I got to read a lot of pages!
It was, however, the last straw for my trusty and well-used diaper bag/purse. Chris gave me this bag when Gus was just born and I carried it for three years with him, and almost two years with Abe. The piping was coming apart, it had grime on the inside that just wasn't budging and I had already realized that it would be all used up as soon as Abe potty trains. (It's a BIG bag--marketed as a travel bag--so perfect for carrying the many changes of clothes you need when a little one is learning to use the toilet reliably.)
After the cheese incident though it's retirement date had to be moved up. Now I love bags, and I love shopping for and buying and using new bags, so this wasn't exactly heartbreaking. Except that in a little way it was. Somehow, giving up this diaper bag and buying a smaller, somewhat cuter but probably less utilitarian bag, made me really sad. Abe is my baby and he isn't a baby at all anymore. He'll be two in less than a month and he can and does so many, many things all on his own now.
I am not at all comfortable with being done with the baby stage of my life. I feel like I waited my whole life to get here and it's over in a flash. I'm not saying it's all roses and sparkles, lots of it is really hard, but it is also really great, and for me, it is the one thing I always wanted and never changed my mind about. And now it is probably over and that is heartbreaking for me.
I don't know if we had one more whether I would feel this way when that baby was turning two, or if I'd feel okay with it. Right now, I think one more would feel complete to me the way two feels incomplete, but who knows, maybe this is just the way it sometimes feels when your baby days are over. I'm going to keep hoping Chris changes his mind though, even if I'll feel exactly the same way again.